1. #1
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    Love begins, why love are dying?

    Love begins, why love are dying? I wake up and I’m just crying
    Now you never on my side, but my feelings for you are right.
    Heaven, heaven can you help me? I’ve only a wish I say.
    Please bring back my girl and now I am ok.


    You remember amazing Sunday? We both know it wasn’t Monday.
    You have preset the day for me, it’s the best I’ve ever see.
    Thank you, thank you for this Sunday; you took all my troubles away
    And you know now, that’s the reason I’m a better man today.


    Telling you about my past, and I think it wasn’t fast
    Now you understand all the letters I have sent
    If I think, I think of you, you’re my honey I need you
    If I didn't loving you, could not write this song for you.




    Zum besseren Verständnis:
    Man muss sich zu dem Text die Melodie von „where is the love“ von den black eyed peas denken. Der Text ist nämlich darauf ausgelegt.
    Dann holpert es auch nicht so extrem
    Geändert von Clim (02.02.2008 um 12:55 Uhr)
    Vögel im Käfig sprechen vom Fliegen. Freie Vögel fliegen.

  2. #2
    Registriert seit
    Jun 2006
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    Hi Clim,

    An English poem....yeah, let's have a look...

    Love begins, why loves are dying? I wake up and I’m just crying (no plural for love, just like in German )

    Now you are never on my side, but my feelings for you’re right. (Would not use abbreviation 'you're', as I tend to read that SHE is right (sie hat Recht) and not that the FEELINGS are right....)

    Heaven, heaven can you help me? I’ve only a wish I say. (What do you mean? 'I have only one wish that (I dare to) say? or I have only a wish, I say (here, 'I say' is an affirmation) or?????

    Please bring back my girl and now I am ok. (That doesn't make sense. Why would he be all right NOW if he hasn't gotten the girl back yet, but just uttered the wish?)


    You remember amazing Sunday? (Pidgin English, equivalent to German: Du erinnern tollen Sonntag? Not very eloquent.....) We both know it wasn’t Monday. (No shit? What a surprise, especially since we were just told it was a Sunday.)

    You have preset the day for me, it’s the best I’ve ever see. (Which tense do you want to use, because this is a mix of present perfect (I have seeN) and present tense (I SEE)....)

    Thank you, thank you for this Sunday; you took my troubles all away (Doesn't work like this in English. You could say 'You took ALL my troubles away')

    And you know now, that’s the reason I’m a better man today. (Totally out of sync with all the previous information. First N is depressed, then he is o.k. again and then we are told that the girl knows NOW that he is a better man. You jump back and forth between cause and result.)

    Telling you about my past, and I think it wasn’t fast (Erm, your past wasn't fast or telling about your past wasn't fast? Plus, using 'fast' in this context doesn't make sense.)

    Now you understand all the letters I have sent

    If I think, I think of you, you’re my honey I need you
    Whether I don’t loving you, could not write this song for you. (I think, you meant "If I DIDN'T love you, I could not write....)

    Well, what to say? I always think that it is a GOOD thing to experiment with other languages, but it is also necessary to know your way around grammar first, because otherwise the writing just sounds 'funny' (as in strange AND as in comical) which I don't think you wanted to achieve.

    Best regards,

    Herindoors

  3. #3
    Registriert seit
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    @Herindoors

    Thanks for your critique and support

    ...I know about my english-grammar problems, but i heard the song "where is the love", and i want's to use the "melody" for another text. I tried it...

    I think another problem is: If i change the grammar, text does'nt sound to melody of "where is the love"... It's very diffficult for me, to change it...

    I think i must be 2 versions.
    One, which is based on the song. And another, which is Grammar acceptable

    But you are right, there are many problematical, and stupid mistakes.
    I was in a sense of chaos, the text-grammar show this...


    "Heaven, heaven can you help me? I’ve only a wish I say. (What do you mean?"

    It means: only a wonder can help me..

    "I say' is an affirmation: Yes"

    "o shit? What a surprise, especially since we were just told it was a Sunday" lol

    It should clarify that no one else can reach this day...



    I have to continue the work, your advice is very helpful... [sry for my bad english]

    greetings
    Clim
    Vögel im Käfig sprechen vom Fliegen. Freie Vögel fliegen.

  4. #4
    Registriert seit
    Jun 2006
    Beiträge
    66
    Dear Clim,

    How lovely that you can deal with criticism and that you want to learn. Both equally important to improve one's skills.

    If you wanted to work on this text I'd be glad to help you along. I think, it IS a good idea to put the song that you have in your head aside for the time being and concentrate on the text.

    The first thing that I would do is to go through the text and write next to each line which tense (past perfect, present perfect, present tense, future) and which mode (i.e. conjunctive) you used and which tense or mode would be more appropriate. Once you have the time line (first this, then that) and the mode (reality vs 'wishful thinking') then you could have a look at the rhymes that you are using (sometimes you rhyme within one line, sometimes you use end rhymes). And then...... well, we'll see, I guess (if you wanted to revise the poem).

    Well, good luck and lot's of FUN,

    Herindoors

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