Thema: why?
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02.02.2002, 22:53 #1
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nobody told me compassions a fake
nobody said love`s a cruel mask of hate
nobody told me hearts are just meant to break
nobody said that pain is human fate
why didn`t sombody tell me?
why did nobody explain?
why didn`t somebody tell me?
that in life only woe is to gain?
nobody told how it feels to be shit
nobody said ther`s just no chance for you
nobody told me i`d be torn bit by bit
nobody said those you love will piss on you
why didn`t sombody tell me?
why did nobody explain?
why didn`t somebody tell me?
that to live means to suffer in vain?
[Geändert durch nicodemus am 05-02-2002 um 10:37]
Nicodemus
"Möget ihr in interessanten Zeiten leben!"(Fluch)
"UGH!"(universelle erklärung)
___________________________________
- Grußgedicht
- Cultes des Goules
- neugotisch
- Herbstgesichter
- traum vom wahn
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02.02.2002, 22:54 #2
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anmerkung - note
nein ich fühl mich nicht so... fühlte mich nur inspiriert und wollte dieses gefühl zu papier bringen.
i don`t feel like this right now. i just was inspired and had to express this feeling.
[Geändert durch nicodemus am 02-02-2002 um 22:57]
Nicodemus
"Möget ihr in interessanten Zeiten leben!"(Fluch)
"UGH!"(universelle erklärung)
___________________________________
- Grußgedicht
- Cultes des Goules
- neugotisch
- Herbstgesichter
- traum vom wahn
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03.02.2002, 10:48 #3
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Schön geschrieben..
Der Schlüssel zu den Herzen der Menschen wird nie unsere Klugheit, sondern immer unsere Liebe sein.
gez.:Hexchen
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03.02.2002, 10:56 #4
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dank dir hexchen
Nicodemus
"Möget ihr in interessanten Zeiten leben!"(Fluch)
"UGH!"(universelle erklärung)
___________________________________
- Grußgedicht
- Cultes des Goules
- neugotisch
- Herbstgesichter
- traum vom wahn
-
05.02.2002, 10:41 #5
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@twinkling star
what do you think about this?
i`d realy like to know
Nicodemus
"Möget ihr in interessanten Zeiten leben!"(Fluch)
"UGH!"(universelle erklärung)
___________________________________
- Grußgedicht
- Cultes des Goules
- neugotisch
- Herbstgesichter
- traum vom wahn
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05.02.2002, 19:26 #6
getrocknet
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dear nico,
here are some suggestions:
1: "compassion's" a fake ( = compassion is)
2: "love's a cruel mask of hate" Maybe you want to express that hate is often disguised as love. So it's hate that is cruel, not the mask. (love as such - though a mask - is harmless in a way) I'd suggest to change this line to "love's a mask of cruel hate"
2+4: "said" is rather -sorry- inappropriate. I am sure you were looking for the word "declared", "proclaimed", or even "preached"
5+7: why didn't "anyone(anybody)" tell me?
6: it sounds a little too crowded with "-bodies" (anybody, nobody) "no one" would be nice here, or, better yet, "why didn't you care to explain?"
9: nobody told "me" how it feels
10: "there's"
10+12: cf. 2+4
suggestion on how to avoid the p*** word and the s*** word:
Nobody told me how it feels to be hit
Nobody knew I don't stand a chance in life
Nobody told me I'd be torn bit by bit
Nobody declared that love's nothing but strife
(it sounds more elegant... but less aggressive. it's your decision)
13-16: cf. 5-8
generally, I'm glad you added the "written by 100% nice guy" sign
it is pretty aggressive. at one point or another it sounds a little clumsy but while proofreading, I tried to respect the style of your poem and not change too much. You are very brave to dare to write in a foreign language. Keep it up, I am confident you will improve with each poem you write.
love
rinaI’d like mornings better if they started later.
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05.02.2002, 19:33 #7
getrocknet
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p.s. please understand that I didn't want to diminish your work by marking so much. I merely try to help you out. Everyone knows how hard it is to express themselves in a foreign language. Just for fun, I could try and write a poem in German and you could spend days correcting it!
I’d like mornings better if they started later.
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05.02.2002, 23:11 #8
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no offence taken
most poems i wrote have been rewritten a lot of times before i post them ... this one is an exception. which is the reason i asked you to look at it ... i`ll copy your suggestions and work it over
thank you a lot.
by the way i'll look at your german poem right away
Nicodemus
"Möget ihr in interessanten Zeiten leben!"(Fluch)
"UGH!"(universelle erklärung)
___________________________________
- Grußgedicht
- Cultes des Goules
- neugotisch
- Herbstgesichter
- traum vom wahn