Thema: why?

  1. #1
    Registriert seit
    Jan 2002
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    nobody told me compassions a fake
    nobody said love`s a cruel mask of hate
    nobody told me hearts are just meant to break
    nobody said that pain is human fate

    why didn`t sombody tell me?
    why did nobody explain?
    why didn`t somebody tell me?
    that in life only woe is to gain?

    nobody told how it feels to be shit
    nobody said ther`s just no chance for you
    nobody told me i`d be torn bit by bit
    nobody said those you love will piss on you

    why didn`t sombody tell me?
    why did nobody explain?
    why didn`t somebody tell me?
    that to live means to suffer in vain?

    [Geändert durch nicodemus am 05-02-2002 um 10:37]

    Nicodemus

    "Möget ihr in interessanten Zeiten leben!"(Fluch)

    "UGH!"(universelle erklärung)
    ___________________________________
    - Grußgedicht
    - Cultes des Goules
    - neugotisch
    - Herbstgesichter
    - traum vom wahn

  2. #2
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    324

    Exclamation anmerkung - note

    nein ich fühl mich nicht so... fühlte mich nur inspiriert und wollte dieses gefühl zu papier bringen.

    i don`t feel like this right now. i just was inspired and had to express this feeling.

    [Geändert durch nicodemus am 02-02-2002 um 22:57]

    Nicodemus

    "Möget ihr in interessanten Zeiten leben!"(Fluch)

    "UGH!"(universelle erklärung)
    ___________________________________
    - Grußgedicht
    - Cultes des Goules
    - neugotisch
    - Herbstgesichter
    - traum vom wahn

  3. #3
    Registriert seit
    Oct 2001
    Beiträge
    1.300
    Schön geschrieben..
    Der Schlüssel zu den Herzen der Menschen wird nie unsere Klugheit, sondern immer unsere Liebe sein.
    gez.:Hexchen

  4. #4
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    dank dir hexchen

    Nicodemus

    "Möget ihr in interessanten Zeiten leben!"(Fluch)

    "UGH!"(universelle erklärung)
    ___________________________________
    - Grußgedicht
    - Cultes des Goules
    - neugotisch
    - Herbstgesichter
    - traum vom wahn

  5. #5
    Registriert seit
    Jan 2002
    Beiträge
    324

    @twinkling star

    what do you think about this?

    i`d realy like to know

    Nicodemus

    "Möget ihr in interessanten Zeiten leben!"(Fluch)

    "UGH!"(universelle erklärung)
    ___________________________________
    - Grußgedicht
    - Cultes des Goules
    - neugotisch
    - Herbstgesichter
    - traum vom wahn

  6. #6
    Registriert seit
    Nov 2001
    Beiträge
    76
    dear nico,
    here are some suggestions:

    1: "compassion's" a fake ( = compassion is)
    2: "love's a cruel mask of hate" Maybe you want to express that hate is often disguised as love. So it's hate that is cruel, not the mask. (love as such - though a mask - is harmless in a way) I'd suggest to change this line to "love's a mask of cruel hate"
    2+4: "said" is rather -sorry- inappropriate. I am sure you were looking for the word "declared", "proclaimed", or even "preached"

    5+7: why didn't "anyone(anybody)" tell me?
    6: it sounds a little too crowded with "-bodies" (anybody, nobody) "no one" would be nice here, or, better yet, "why didn't you care to explain?"

    9: nobody told "me" how it feels
    10: "there's"
    10+12: cf. 2+4

    suggestion on how to avoid the p*** word and the s*** word:

    Nobody told me how it feels to be hit
    Nobody knew I don't stand a chance in life
    Nobody told me I'd be torn bit by bit
    Nobody declared that love's nothing but strife

    (it sounds more elegant... but less aggressive. it's your decision)

    13-16: cf. 5-8

    generally, I'm glad you added the "written by 100% nice guy" sign
    it is pretty aggressive. at one point or another it sounds a little clumsy but while proofreading, I tried to respect the style of your poem and not change too much. You are very brave to dare to write in a foreign language. Keep it up, I am confident you will improve with each poem you write.
    love
    rina
    I’d like mornings better if they started later.

  7. #7
    Registriert seit
    Nov 2001
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    p.s. please understand that I didn't want to diminish your work by marking so much. I merely try to help you out. Everyone knows how hard it is to express themselves in a foreign language. Just for fun, I could try and write a poem in German and you could spend days correcting it!
    I’d like mornings better if they started later.

  8. #8
    Registriert seit
    Jan 2002
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    324
    no offence taken
    most poems i wrote have been rewritten a lot of times before i post them ... this one is an exception. which is the reason i asked you to look at it ... i`ll copy your suggestions and work it over
    thank you a lot.

    by the way i'll look at your german poem right away


    Nicodemus

    "Möget ihr in interessanten Zeiten leben!"(Fluch)

    "UGH!"(universelle erklärung)
    ___________________________________
    - Grußgedicht
    - Cultes des Goules
    - neugotisch
    - Herbstgesichter
    - traum vom wahn

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