why?

[nicodemus]

nobody told me compassions a fake
nobody said love`s a cruel mask of hate
nobody told me hearts are just meant to break
nobody said that pain is human fate

why didn`t sombody tell me?
why did nobody explain?
why didn`t somebody tell me?
that in life only woe is to gain?

nobody told how it feels to be shit
nobody said ther`s just no chance for you
nobody told me i`d be torn bit by bit
nobody said those you love will piss on you

why didn`t sombody tell me?
why did nobody explain?
why didn`t somebody tell me?
that to live means to suffer in vain?

[Geändert durch nicodemus am 05-02-2002 um 10:37]

[nicodemus]

nein ich fühl mich nicht so... fühlte mich nur inspiriert und wollte dieses gefühl zu papier bringen.

i don`t feel like this right now. i just was inspired and had to express this feeling.

[Geändert durch nicodemus am 02-02-2002 um 22:57]

[Hexchen]

Schön geschrieben..

[nicodemus]

dank dir hexchen

[nicodemus]

what do you think about this?

i`d realy like to know

[twinklingstar]

dear nico,
here are some suggestions:

1: "compassion's" a fake ( = compassion is)
2: "love's a cruel mask of hate" Maybe you want to express that hate is often disguised as love. So it's hate that is cruel, not the mask. (love as such - though a mask - is harmless in a way) I'd suggest to change this line to "love's a mask of cruel hate"
2+4: "said" is rather -sorry- inappropriate. I am sure you were looking for the word "declared", "proclaimed", or even "preached"

5+7: why didn't "anyone(anybody)" tell me?
6: it sounds a little too crowded with "-bodies" (anybody, nobody) "no one" would be nice here, or, better yet, "why didn't you care to explain?"

9: nobody told "me" how it feels
10: "there's"
10+12: cf. 2+4

suggestion on how to avoid the p*** word and the s*** word:

Nobody told me how it feels to be hit
Nobody knew I don't stand a chance in life
Nobody told me I'd be torn bit by bit
Nobody declared that love's nothing but strife

(it sounds more elegant... but less aggressive. it's your decision)

13-16: cf. 5-8

generally, I'm glad you added the "written by 100% nice guy" sign
it is pretty aggressive. at one point or another it sounds a little clumsy but while proofreading, I tried to respect the style of your poem and not change too much. You are very brave to dare to write in a foreign language. Keep it up, I am confident you will improve with each poem you write.
love
rina

[twinklingstar]

p.s. please understand that I didn't want to diminish your work by marking so much. I merely try to help you out. Everyone knows how hard it is to express themselves in a foreign language. Just for fun, I could try and write a poem in German and you could spend days correcting it!

[nicodemus]

no offence taken
most poems i wrote have been rewritten a lot of times before i post them ... this one is an exception. which is the reason i asked you to look at it ... i`ll copy your suggestions and work it over
thank you a lot.

by the way i'll look at your german poem right away