englisches Gedicht

[Fat Louie]

You’re gone, I know
I don’t miss you, and though
there’s a noose round my heart
did you want me to be apart?

You said, don’t fear
don’t shed a single tear
cause I am there for you
in everything you’ll ever do.

Your temple, your child
your servant, forever wild
till the end, hopeful and free
that’s what I ought to be.

But you’ve left, my blame
I didn’t reach the aim
my mind encased, with no space to unfold
finally, I fit the mold.

------
So, mein erstes englisches Gedicht, weshalb ich es hier poste:
- mir fällt kein Titel ein, vielleicht hat da jemand eine Idee?
- vielleicht habe ich Fehler im Englischen, wenn sich jemand auskennt, soll er mich darauf aufmerksam machen, und:
- im allgemeinen Verbesserungsvorschläge

Danke schon mal, Tina.

[Herindoors]

Hi Tina,
Hope this will help…

You’re gone, I know (1)
I don’t (1) miss you, and though
there’s a noose (2) round (3) my heart
did you want me to be apart (4)?

You said, don’t (1)/(5) fear
don’t shed a single tear
cause (6) I am there for you
in everything (7) you’ll (1) ever do.

(8)
Your temple, your child
your servant, forever wild
till (9) the end, hopeful and free
that’s (1) what I ought to be.

But you’ve (1) left, my blame (10)
I didn’t (1) reach the aim (11)
my mind (12) encased, with no space to unfold
finally, I fit the mold (13).

(1) abbreviations like “you’re”, “don’t”, “can’t”, etc. are not very poetic
(2) noose is mostly used for the rope that you tie around your neck to commit suicide, however, one cannot tie a noose around a heart. ‘Chain’ would be better here.
(3) If ought to be ‘around’. A circle, a ball, etc. is ‘round’.
(4) One cannot ‘be apart’. One can be torn or blown apart (zerissen, explodiert) or one can be apart = separated FROM somebody)
(5) ‘Hab’ keine Angst? = do not be afraid
(6) ‘cause’ = slang =>BEcause
(7) better: for anything
(8) Not a complete sentence
(9) Until
(10) MY blame does not exist. I AM to blame, but I think what you want to say is “Meine Schuld”. This would be my ‘fault’.
(11) ‘aime’ does rhyme with ‘blame’, but one does not reach ‘an aim’, one reaches a ‘goal’.
(12) Verb missing: ‘is’
(13) Mould

Well, that’s the basics. It is a very nice attempt to write a poem in English. Well done. I just jot down the poem according to my suggestions and a wee bit of … moahw, my own input. Please beware, I cannot write a decent poem in any (!) language if my life depended on it, so bear with me…

You are gone forever, I know.
I do not miss you and though
You tied a chain around my heart
It could not prevent me tearing apart.

You said, ‘Do not feel fear’ (BAD, sorry, can’t come up with anything different)
Do not shed a single tear,
Because I will be there for you
For anything you would ever want to do.

I wanted to be your temple, your innocent child,
Your caring servant, however so wild
Stay hopeful and free until the end
Embedded in your loving hand.

But you are gone. I am to blame
I could not play a truthful game
My mind encased, no space to unfold
Finally, I am fitting the mould.

[Fat Louie]

Okay, danke - wie gesagt, mein erster Versuch, auf Englisch zu schreiben, mein Englisch reicht vielleicht noch nicht ganz dafür Danke für die Verbesserung, und deine überarbeitete Fassung hört sich viel besser an. Danke!

[fatcat]

Herindoors, I am glad you cared about Louie's poem. I wouldn't have wanted to search for mistakes but I was close to trying until I read your helpful comment. It seems to me the most effective way: Native speakers should correct these texts. In most cases, Germans only bring shame on themselves, at the attempt (I am sure this was wrong, exactly what I meant )
And your version was not so bad at all!