1. #1
    Registriert seit
    Dec 2006
    Ort
    Leverkusen
    Beiträge
    2

    Never smoked a hookah before?

    Melanie’s eyes told me she couldn’t believe it at all but I thought it wasn’t unusual for a fourteen-year-old girl to avoid hookahs and other things you have to smoke. There were five girls in the room: Melanie, Joanne, Kathrin, Ashley and me, Ginger. My real name of course isn’t Ginger, my parents called me Natasha. Half a year ago, I decided to dye my hair red… That was just the beginning of a complete changing:
    First, there was my new name Ginger, my friend Liz made it up. Two or three months later, there was a new girl at school: Melanie. She was so different from all the other borgeois girls at Riverside Boarding School. The other girls all thought they were something special because they played the violin or they could speak three languages fluently at the age of six. Melanie was so different. The first time I saw her at school, she wore a pair of ripped blue jeans and a batik tunic shirt. Clothes like this absolutely offended against the school uniform: Only plain black trousers and shirts in inconspicious colours like white, dark blue or black. Melanie showed she wasn’t told by adults or rules from her first day. Some days later we met again at lunch. She came over to my table and sat down. We talked for a while, then she invited me to come to her room – room 177- this evening to have a little party with some other girls. I couldn’t belive it: Melanie, the cool girl from year 10, chose me, Ginger, the wallflower from year 8, to be her friend. I was so excited, I had never been on a secret party since I went to this boarding school. Well, I had to go here because I had had too many secret parties before. One day my parents found out and sent me here. Well, this sprecial evening was the beginning of a wonderful friendship between Melanie and me.
    Ok, now back to the evening the main story takes place. We sat in Melanies room, a beautyfully decorated one with lots of candles and stuff like that. Melanie had bought a hookah some days before and now she wanted to smoke some apple tobacco with us. I stared at the hookah like it was an alien. Of course I had seen hookahs before but I had never smoked one. So Melanie asked me: “Never smoked a hookah before?” I nodded anxiously because I was afraid of her reaction. But she just smiled. “You can learn everything. We’ll show you how to do it, won’t we?” she said and shared glances with the three other girls – all from year ten, too, but they just shook their heads and then Ashley took the floor: “Oh no, Melanie, we won’t. She’s so uncool and I think hanging around with year eight girls is uncool too. I’ve ever thought there was no real friendship between her and you but now my opinion has changed.” She paused. Everybody was quiet now. Then we heard Joanne’s voice: “Come on girls, let’s go to have our own party.” No sooner said than done: The three girls went away and left Mel and me together on the floor. Suddenly I began to cry. Mel came closer to me, then she said: “Don’t cry, Ginger. I’ll be your friend, you know. Forget these cows. So now let’s smoke some tobacco.” But I didn’t want to. Sitting next to Mel on the cold floor and knowing she was my real friend was like heaven. Smoke would destroy this unusual atmosphere. We must have sat there for about an hour, then I looked at my watch. “It 11 o’clock, it’d be better to go now, in some minutes the night watch will arrive to make sure we are in our own rooms.” But it was too late. We both heard steps coming to room 177. “Quick, let’s hide the hookah”, I almost cried. But just one second later, our night watch Emily came in. She stared at the hookah in the same way I did it an hour ago. Then she began to shout: “What’s THAT? Whatever it is, it’s not allowed at Riverside Boarding School. We are an exclusive private school, not a hippie club! Come on, take this… this thing and follow me to the headmaster’s office.” Emily knocked and a very tired Mrs. Johnson opened the big wooden door. “Emily, why do you knock so late? I was just planning my summer holidays.” I laughed a little, but I immediately stopped when Emily explained the situation. Then Melanie and I hat to sit down and Mrs. Johnson began to talk about drugs and their danger, but I didn’t really listen. Then she said: “Well girls, I have to punish you. So what can I do? Of course, detention. Three weeks, everyday a further lesson. And then… Yes, I know. The canteen has to be cleaned. Two girls who do it for free are better than an expensive team of cleaners. Tomorrow, you will clean it after lunch. But you don’t only clean it, you clean it perfectly. So perfectly, that we all could eat from the floor.” Mel and I were shocked. Then we were send back to our rooms to sleep. The next day I didn’t meet Mel at breakfast and during the lessons, but at lunch we sat together picking at our big peas. After everybody had gone, we got the cleaning things out of their closet and began to wipe the dirty floor. For about 20 minutes, neither I nor Mel dared to say anything, but then Melanie came over to me and said: “Ginger, it was just bad luck. It could have happened to everyone. I’m so glad you are my friend!”, then I said: “So do I” and then we hugged between dirty tables, stacked chairs and buckets of water with mud and old peas. This speacial moment just felt like real heaven.
    Remember real friendship is the most important thing and it can even exist in a dirty canteen!

    Man entschuldige bitte einige orthographise Ungenauigkeiten.
    Die Geschichte ist schon was älter, entstanden vor über einem Jahr, für den Bundeswettbewerb Fremdsprachen, am Ende aber doch für mich behalten.

  2. #2
    Registriert seit
    Jun 2006
    Beiträge
    66
    Hi goere,

    Da ich weiss, dass Englische Texte meistens untergehen, moechte ich Dir hiermit sagen, dass ich Deinen Text 'simply great' finde. Dein Sprachgefuehl fuer das Englische ist brilliant.
    Es gibt ein paar Passagen, die ich anders formulieren wuerde, aber ich sehe davon ab, da der Text an sich schluessig und durchgedacht erscheint und mein Senf dazu nur stoeren wuerde.

    Eingebettet in die alltaegliche Situation Ginger's, ihre Schwierigkeiten der Integration, die aussergewoehnliche Wahl einer 10tklaesslerin, sich ihrer anzunehmen, und die eigentlich Botschaft des Textes, dass man immer und ueberall wahre Freundschaft entdecken kann, ergibt ein harmonisches Ganzes. Ein lesenswerter Text. Wuenschte nur, Du haettest ihn doch noch eingereicht, denn hier wirst Du nicht den gebuehrenden Widerhall finden.

    Super gern gelesen.

    Love,

    Herindoors

  3. #3
    Registriert seit
    Oct 2003
    Ort
    Hamm
    Beiträge
    2.806
    Zu viele Wortwiederholungen. Beispiel: I stared at the hookah like it was an alien. Of course I had seen hookahs before but I had never smoked one.
    Die Sätze hätte man umstellen können und so das Problem umgehen können... Passivsätze seien dir hier nahegelegt.
    I had never smoked one. So Melanie asked me: “Never smoked a hookah before?”- Es gibt genug andere Wörter, du hättest nicht unbedingt smoked wiederholen sollen, zusammen mit dem Part vorher wirkt es ein wenig unüberdacht.

    Die Wortwahl ansonsten ist sehr gut geworden, dein Text liest sich fast, als wäre er von einem Engländer geschrieben worden. Evtl. solltest du die Zeichensetzung nochmal überarbeiten. Ansonsten war der Text nicht mal schlecht.
    Tu was du willst, das ist das ganze Gesetz - Aleister Crowley

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